I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
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*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.