I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
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It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.