I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
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You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
We all have our pet causes.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone