“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
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Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.