I bet Vegans that become zombies must really struggle with the whole brain-eating lifestyle…

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*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky


[To police.]

“I want to press charges on my co-worker Steve.”

“What’d he do?”

“Warmed up fish in the office microwave.”

“…Cuff him.”


just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.


Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*


To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.


(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then


These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.


I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal


[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara