@Papa_Mex

I bet Vegans that become zombies must really struggle with the whole brain-eating lifestyle…

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@maxui

Please allow kids to believe in Santa.
You believe in Herballife and no one is ruining it for you.

@ChaseMit

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

@TheHyyyype

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

@joeljeffrey

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

@TheCatWhisprer

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

@MarlaCaceres

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

@ch000ch

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

@sixfootcandy

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

@brookeoslin

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

@molly7anne

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping