@Papa_Mex

I bet Vegans that become zombies must really struggle with the whole brain-eating lifestyle…

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@TragicAllyHere

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

@DirtyySouthMess

[To police.]

“I want to press charges on my co-worker Steve.”

“What’d he do?”

“Warmed up fish in the office microwave.”

“…Cuff him.”

@KattsDogma

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

@Juicedballs

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

@garrydavenport

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

@TheWidowmakerX

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

@AndLookPretty

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

@bridger_w

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

@fro_vo

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara