I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
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Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?