Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm