I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
You Might Also Like
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows