i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
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[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.