Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.