Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.