I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
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You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.