Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?

Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…

My Kid: I want a poodle.

Me:…or a worm…

My Kid: POODLE!

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

As a doctor, I can confirm

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

bros in the example zone 😭

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?