I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
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“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
So, can we agree on 4 or
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.