I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

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I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.


For every person pleased at meeting their TC in real life. Another 762 are climbing out of bathroom windows and smashing their phone.


Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.


I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards


A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away


I used the entire box of tissues to blow my nose at my therapist’s office to make a point about her switching to a subpar generic brand and instead of apologizing about the tissues all she could talk about is some idea that I’m passive aggressive.


Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”


[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*


*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….


The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.