I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
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[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I love you to the refrigerator and back
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.