I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
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HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
<—- homeless romantic
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
What a year we’ve had this week.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”