I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
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Happy Caturday!
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try