Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

Realize this:

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.