I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
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*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Mouse
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Thinking about a snail with a limp
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry