I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
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ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I hate everything
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
True story 🤣
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?