I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
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*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Spoiler Alert: I was late
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.