I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
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The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
🤔😂😂
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.