I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
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My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
inventing words: clothing
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I have never related to anyone more.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.