I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
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Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar