babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
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By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.