I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like “Let’s name it Rad!” and one guy was all “Let’s dial that back a bit.”

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Me: [On Mars] *opening a bag of chips*

My Dog: *blasts off from earth*


I lay on the grass looking up at the clouds. ‘That woolly one looks like a fist’ I say, as Jack punches me again.


If someone gives me an answer I don’t agree with I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. I assume they didn’t understand the question.


Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.


sick of people asking if my daughter’s name is short for lucille. no, it’s not. if jenny is short for jennifer, lucy is short for lucifer.


If a genie grants you 3 wishes, use the first one to make the genie develop short term memory loss, and then keep making 2nd wishes forever.


When I’m at a bar with my cousin she doesn’t think it’s funny when I yell ‘BUT HE’S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!’ every time the music dies down.


My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.


Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …