I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
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You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
🙅🏻
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
This 4th of July, please remember…
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”