I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
You Might Also Like
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.