I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
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imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.