Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

The best shot in the history of golf

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

This raises questions

<Enter Password>

Morningbreath

<Password too strong>

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

Meowchelangelo

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.