I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
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“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
This made me chuckle.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive