Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.