I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
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Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
HOW DARE YOU
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
Respect
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!