I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*