Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

🥲

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

My dream job is getting paid to dream

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah