Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

Growing out my freckles.

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)