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In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit