Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

That was easy.