I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Bear
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage