Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

synchronized noseblowing

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

We know he can swim but…

ㅤ

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.