Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

What I say and what I mean are three different things.