I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Blew my mind.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
A drum solo but on your face.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
