Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.