I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
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do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.