I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
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A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”