Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is sending me to another galaxy

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.