Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

Bro what is this

i feel so bad i refunded him

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.