“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
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Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.