“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
You Might Also Like
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.