“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
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Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
We need it on priority
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.