Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

british sex workers really pound for pound

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆