Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand

Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

Message from the dog groomers

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

Is anyone gonna tell them?

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh