I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
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Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.