Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

emergency phone

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

buys donuts instead

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)