I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
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Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
I am never leaving this website
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news