I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
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Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”