Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

If you love someone, let them sleep.

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.