I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
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Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
see next tweet for some translations
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.