I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
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interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Raisins are grape jerky.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.