I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
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I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Beards are a privilege, not a right
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move