Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?

I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

Lucky for them, they’re cute

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

So, can we agree on 4 or

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.