Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’