I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
You Might Also Like
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Someone from the HOA came a-knockin’. They said something about the community pool needing upkeep. They were asking for donations.
So I handed them a sippy cup full of water.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best