“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
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Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.