“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
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I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Matt Goss
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.