“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
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If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”