I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
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No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?