Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

If you know, you know 😂🚔

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?