[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
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friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
Me when I hear gossip
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
