[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
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I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
That time Alicia messaged me
