Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.