I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
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You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?