I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
You Might Also Like
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
SONOFA
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan