Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

middle school in the ’90s

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner