I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
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Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s