I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
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My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.