I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
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I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Match dot com, but for socks.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
🤣🤣
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.