I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
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🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
❤️❤️❤️
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.