Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

ㅤ

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘