I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
You Might Also Like
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”