I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
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nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns